I'm not good at games. Any kind of game. When I was a child I didn't really like playing kiddie games with my friends. I had a lot of friends and I often had friends over to my house, giving my grandmother major headache but I was never really involved in the games they played. My sister was born when I was 6 so I was alone most of the time, therefore I liked having friends over. I just needed them for their presence. They would play and I would read in the corner, because I was and still am a big reader. Knowing how mean little children can be to one another, it was amazing that I wasn't cast out as a weirdo.
I'm one of those lucky person who's always surrounded by friends, in every stage of my life. Even until now, my house is still some sort of a base camp. Friends come over and just hang out at my place.
But yeah, I'm not good at games. Card games, board games, computer games, I am practically useless. I tried to play but I didn't enjoy them. Still don't. I'm a very spontaneous person, I don't like having to make calculated moves and I hate having to guess somebody else's move.
My dislike of games is probably one of the reasons why I become a very straightforward person. With me, what you see is what you get. It's probably not the best strategy to survive as an adult but I can't change who I am.
I don't trust people easily though. My life experiences have taught me that a lot of people are screwed in the head. I have had my fair share of cheating boyfriends and friends who lied behind my backs, but if people screw me, it's for a reason that is personal. It was because they wanted to screw me. And I have come to terms with it. I don't sweat it anymore. I know that there will be friends who betray me. That's just the way things are. But yeah, as far as I remember, those who betrayed me did so for a personal reason.
In life there's always the first time for everything. Yesterday was the first time I realized that someone can actually stab me in the back, for a reason that is not personal at all. How could it be personal when that person and I are not even close to begin with? That person and I are in the same circle but we can't be called as "friends". It's more to "acquaintances". I know nothing about that person's personal life and I believe that person doesn't know anything about me either.
Long story short, said person desperately needs to do some ass-saving. So I was the scapegoat. The reason was not personal at all. It didn't have to specifically be me. It could be anyone. As luck would have it, I was in the perfect position to be a scapegoat. It was inevitable. Life does happen like that. Sometimes it puts you in such an unfortunate position. An intern at my office one day had a wall collapsed on him while he was riding his motorbike and crushed his leg. What did he do to deserve a wall collapsing on him? Nothing. He was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.
How could I be at the wrong place to begin with? Because I suck at games. I never calculate my moves and I don't pay attention to the moves of everyone around me. I know this world is one big game, but I thought that I can choose not to participate in the game, I can sit on the bench reading my book or talking to the little people I invented in my head, not even watching the game, just like I did when I was a child. I didn't realize that the ball can actually fly off from the field and hit me in the head while I'm on the bench. That, ladies and gentlemen, sucks big time.
A lesson learned. Hopefully not too harmful. But do I want to start watching my back? No, I don't want to live like that. People can play their stupid games and I refuse to join in. If on odd days a ball flies off and hits me in the head, that's okay. I have a strong head. I can take a stupid ball. And if the mood strikes me I might throw that ball back on the person who threw it at me. And harder, of course. But I still won't join the game. If I want to injure somebody, the reason has to be personal. That's just how I roll.
For me, the reason why my life is beautiful is because I am as transparent as a child in anything. People feel secure with me. That's why I'm always surrounded by friends. True friends. Friends who know my shortcomings but still love me anyway. Friends who are as close as my family. Not ten thousands followers on twitter whom I barely knew. Or people kissing my ass, not that my ass is that important to be kissed anyway.
What happened yesterday did not change me. I still believe honesty is the best policy. Stupid maybe by adult standard but it's something that I believe at whatever cost.
And if for some sick twist of fate more and more people betray my trust in the future, that's okay too, I can always invent new, honest people in my head. I'm resourceful that way.
