for better or worse

Do I love my country? I guess so.
One’s country is like one’s family. The majority of us don’t really have a say in that. We might as well learn to love it, because what choice do we have really?

What does it mean being an Indonesian? In the eyes of outsiders, it’s not something that is worthy of something. Being Indonesian is not the same as being an American. It’s not even the same as being a Singaporean.

No, I am not ashamed of being an Indonesian. It’s who I am. But I won’t deny the fact that generally, we Indonesian do not hold ourselves really well.

I won’t even go into stuff like corruption and bigotry. I’m going to cover the small, daily stuff. Stuff that is within my grasp, and of course stuff that is related to me. There are so many things that we have to admit that we, as a nation, are lacking.

1. Discipline
When it comes to discipline, I am 100% Indonesian. I have no passion, no focus, no competitive streak whatsoever. Why are we not superiors in sports? Why don’t we invent anything? Because we are clearly lacking on those things. Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that our soil is so fertile that almost everything grows, therefore we don’t really have to create something. I don’t know. It’s still something that I also have to work very hard on.

2. Winner’s mentality
I’m not going to criticize our national football team. Those guys are awesome and they have improved a lot. I’m criticizing the mentality of the rest of us, the supporters, who automatically looked for something to blame when Malaysia humiliated us 0-3 in the AFF semifinals. There was nothing to blame. Malaysia simply was better than us. Period. We sucked. Admit. Retreat, re-strategize and re-attack. Yes, Malaysian supporters did use laser. But what right do we have to criticize them? Our supporters are worse! Supporters here can march into field right in the middle of a game to beat up the referee. Hello? My advice is, fellow supporters, next time we lose, don’t look for something to blame. Keep sending our support because our losing team needs our supports more than ever.

3. Fighting spirit
I was quite sad when I saw the Indonesian team gave up on the last challenge on The Amazing Race Asia 4. Sad because it was predictable. I knew he was going to give up once I heard of the challenge. I just knew he didn’t have it in him. I know it must be hard for him because of his height phobia, but isn’t the whole point of joining the race is to push himself to the limit? Compare it to the Singapore team who were left far behind and managed to catch up. It was because they kept on fighting. Him giving up is just so typical of us, Indonesian, who run away when faced with an impossible challenge. Yes, I am also guilty of this crime, but I am working on it as I grow old.

4. Speed
I’ve worked with people from Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Australia, India and New Zealand and I have to say that they are faster than us. We probably have the same IQ, but we tend to take things slow. When we are given a task, we don’t jump into it. We push it aside and continue our meaningless chats and only give it a thought when it’s nearing the due date. Why is that? It’s a mystery, even to me. I guess it’s because people take things lightly. I was guilty of this crime when I was at school because I hated school with contempt. Now that I finally found something that I like doing and it pays good, I take it seriously. There are millions of people out there who’d kill for my job so I intent to keep it by being irreplaceable.

5. Integrity
I guess there is no way I can talk about our nation without touching upon the subject of corruption. Oh well. We are so used to pay our way into anything. That is a sad fact that only a revolution can change. We have no integrity. No. Zilch. Nada. Zero. This is probably connected to point 2 and 3. We don’t really see the need to fight or be good because we can always earn it the easy way by cheating or bribing.

It is no wonder that we are not competitive at all, in every way.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about what we can do to make a change in this country. Her advice was really good and doable. Start small, do many small things.

So that’s what I’m doing. Starting with myself, of course, changing many small things about myself. Just like Michael Jackson said. That man was a genius.

everyday is a celebration

Today is Indonesian's mother day. It has been a mother's day since as long as I remember and nobody seems to mind.

That is until twitter came along.

I don't know how it is in other countries since I don't follow people I don't know on twitter, but Indonesians love to give an elaborate lecture on twitter. The topic varies and I usually don't pay any attention to them. I'm never one to listen to any kind of lecture so I usually just scroll up and won't bother to read them.

Today, naturally, the lecture was about mother's day. Someone posted that according to history, today was the day of first women's congress in Indonesia which happened in 1928, therefore is more appropriate to declare today as women's day rather than mother's day.

I'm not sure how the day shifted to being celebrated as mother's day. Most probably because we commemorate women's day on April 21, the birthday of Kartini, a prominent figure in Indonesian women's rights. Two women's days in a year is a bit too much isn't it? So I think it's logical to celebrate one as women's day and one as mother's day.

It's always good to learn something new. And it's good to know the story behind something. I thank the person who posted this because this is new information to me.

But as we know, twitter is full of smartass.

Soon there were tweets from people who want to straighten this fact. Those are the people who went: let's not continue this mistake. Let's celebrate today as women's day and not mother's day.

That's when I get tired.

I mean, is that really necessary?

Mother's day, women's day... how is it going to make any difference to us? On those days we still get up in the morning and do our things.

So by stressing the point that today is women's day rather than mother's day we shouldn't call our mothers? Or what?

I am not a mother nor do I have any intention to be one. I'm 37, childless, and plan to remain that way. But I have a mother and I love her and I like dedicating one day for her.

Most women are mothers anyway and almost every woman is willing to be a mother. In fact, every time I tell people that I choose not to have children, I tend to get raised eyebrows.

So what's the deal about straightening the fact that is not that important to begin with?

We just need to be informed on the history behind it, just like we are informed on the history behind Valentine's day or Santa Claus. And leave it at that.

Mother's day does not diminish the value of women's day one bit.

In fact, many great women I know are mothers.

And what does it matter if today is mother's day or not? It's not even a public holiday!

I can even declare October 4 as daughter's day. Or January 5 as wife's day. Who cares? For me, the more days we can celebrate, the better. Don't be a party pooper!

So now I raise my glass to celebrate this mother's day. I hope you raise yours too.

Here's to kickass mommas everywhere!

games people play

I'm not good at games. Any kind of game. When I was a child I didn't really like playing kiddie games with my friends. I had a lot of friends and I often had friends over to my house, giving my grandmother major headache but I was never really involved in the games they played. My sister was born when I was 6 so I was alone most of the time, therefore I liked having friends over. I just needed them for their presence. They would play and I would read in the corner, because I was and still am a big reader. Knowing how mean little children can be to one another, it was amazing that I wasn't cast out as a weirdo.

I'm one of those lucky person who's always surrounded by friends, in every stage of my life. Even until now, my house is still some sort of a base camp. Friends come over and just hang out at my place.

But yeah, I'm not good at games. Card games, board games, computer games, I am practically useless. I tried to play but I didn't enjoy them. Still don't. I'm a very spontaneous person, I don't like having to make calculated moves and I hate having to guess somebody else's move.

My dislike of games is probably one of the reasons why I become a very straightforward person. With me, what you see is what you get. It's probably not the best strategy to survive as an adult but I can't change who I am.

I don't trust people easily though. My life experiences have taught me that a lot of people are screwed in the head. I have had my fair share of cheating boyfriends and friends who lied behind my backs, but if people screw me, it's for a reason that is personal. It was because they wanted to screw me. And I have come to terms with it. I don't sweat it anymore. I know that there will be friends who betray me. That's just the way things are. But yeah, as far as I remember, those who betrayed me did so for a personal reason.

In life there's always the first time for everything. Yesterday was the first time I realized that someone can actually stab me in the back, for a reason that is not personal at all. How could it be personal when that person and I are not even close to begin with? That person and I are in the same circle but we can't be called as "friends". It's more to "acquaintances". I know nothing about that person's personal life and I believe that person doesn't know anything about me either.

Long story short, said person desperately needs to do some ass-saving. So I was the scapegoat. The reason was not personal at all. It didn't have to specifically be me. It could be anyone. As luck would have it, I was in the perfect position to be a scapegoat. It was inevitable. Life does happen like that. Sometimes it puts you in such an unfortunate position. An intern at my office one day had a wall collapsed on him while he was riding his motorbike and crushed his leg. What did he do to deserve a wall collapsing on him? Nothing. He was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

How could I be at the wrong place to begin with? Because I suck at games. I never calculate my moves and I don't pay attention to the moves of everyone around me. I know this world is one big game, but I thought that I can choose not to participate in the game, I can sit on the bench reading my book or talking to the little people I invented in my head, not even watching the game, just like I did when I was a child. I didn't realize that the ball can actually fly off from the field and hit me in the head while I'm on the bench. That, ladies and gentlemen, sucks big time.

A lesson learned. Hopefully not too harmful. But do I want to start watching my back? No, I don't want to live like that. People can play their stupid games and I refuse to join in. If on odd days a ball flies off and hits me in the head, that's okay. I have a strong head. I can take a stupid ball. And if the mood strikes me I might throw that ball back on the person who threw it at me. And harder, of course. But I still won't join the game. If I want to injure somebody, the reason has to be personal. That's just how I roll.

For me, the reason why my life is beautiful is because I am as transparent as a child in anything. People feel secure with me. That's why I'm always surrounded by friends. True friends. Friends who know my shortcomings but still love me anyway. Friends who are as close as my family. Not ten thousands followers on twitter whom I barely knew. Or people kissing my ass, not that my ass is that important to be kissed anyway.

What happened yesterday did not change me. I still believe honesty is the best policy. Stupid maybe by adult standard but it's something that I believe at whatever cost.
And if for some sick twist of fate more and more people betray my trust in the future, that's okay too, I can always invent new, honest people in my head. I'm resourceful that way.

why so serious?

I was about to open my Yahoo email account and the Yahoo homepage had this news about how Ariel Peterpan cried when he celebrated his birthday in jail. Out of curiosity I clicked the link. It was nothing special but what’s interesting is the comments people were posting underneath the story. I was shocked to find so many people expressing their anger to Ariel. Not just anger, it was extreme anger. The kind of anger you feel towards a person who did nasty things to your loved ones or yourself.

They wrote something along the line of “Jail is too soft a punishment for him, Ariel should be stabbed to death/stoned to death,”

Now, I can understand if that kind of anger was directed to a pedophile, but wishing someone whose sex tapes were leaked to public to be stoned to death is a bit extreme don’t you think? And it wasn’t just an opinion of one or two people, it was a lot of them.

What’s those sex tapes got to do with them really? If anything those tapes were entertaining. He shouldn’t apologize to us for making them, we should apologize to him for making an entertainment out of it.

For me, what he did wasn’t even a crime, it was just an unfortunate and extremely embarrassing incident. He shouldn’t have been jailed in the first place, but I won’t go into that discussion.

What shocked me is the realization of how extremely judgmental Indonesian people are. There’s one comment that goes like this, “He shouldn’t have cried on his birthday. It’s his punishment for being a coward. He should just own up to it, like Cut Tari. Look how Cut Tari’s life is so much better now after she admitted the whole thing.”

It was beyond me how the person could be so sure about Cut Tari’s life.

I can bet that those people have never even met Ariel in person. I thought that kind of hatred can only be directed to someone whose action affected you personally. But I guess I thought wrong.

See, this is exactly what baffles me about my own fellow countrymen and women. I thought we are nice people.

Whatever happened to our hospitality? The friendly smiles of Indonesia that foreign visitors love so much, or so said the tourism brochures?

I think we’re turning into bitter and extremely self-righteous people. Or probably we have always been. How scary.

What possibly fueled so many people to be so angry about a rock star who made sex tapes? I really can’t think of any. Something must have gone wrong somewhere for a country to breed so many hypocrites. Too many people are too happy to cast the first stone.

I skipped classes too much during university therefore I can’t make an analysis from sociological or anthropological point of views. But my simplistic analysis is this: Indonesians take themselves way too seriously. Add to that our lazy ass attitude. That what breeds self-righteousness. We think we’re all that. And we’re too lazy to find out that we’re not. We never seek references.

Of course, that’s only my simplistic view on a much more serious issue. My knowledge is very limited therefore I can’t speak for the whole nation.

But that’s what I think.

I agree on death penalty. But only for pedophile, serial killers and terrorist.

We have too much hatred within us already. I wish everyone can just grab a beer and chill and laugh about life. Even if sometimes we don’t feel like laughing.

I know that I’m too insubstantial to influence anything on people. But if I were to be someone important, my one message to my fellow countrymen and women is this: Stop walking around with sticks up your asses. It's so damn annoying!

Now go and be crazy at the nearest bar. It's Friday.

Have a nice weekend all :)

the paying game

From 2003-2007 I worked freelance. The reason was pretty stupid at that time. I got somewhat promoted to a slightly more senior level and found that supervising other people’s works was not thing. I just wanted to write stories for God’s sake. Why couldn’t they just increase my workload to justify the increase in my pay and leave me alone at the bottom of the chain? I was more comfortable that way. People freaked me out. But of course it didn’t work that way. So I ditched advertising. Well, not completely, I was still doing advertising works. I simply stopped coming to an office at regular hours.



During that period I freelanced for agencies as well as acting as a “creative consultant” for several small budget clients who couldn’t afford proper ad agencies. I also teamed up with some friends writing TV shows, films that never got produced, as well as tried our luck as a small party organizer, which was a hit until two members of our group got married and they started doing their duties as one person but demanded payments for two. So the one-year venture as a party organizer came to a complete halt, after organizing one successful Vegas-themed year end party for the company that my mom works for. We parted ways for good. In fact we never spoke to the couple anymore after we, somewhat begrudgingly, split up our profits.

I came back working full time in 2007 almost by accident. I freelanced for my best friend at this agency I’m working now and we had such a blast working together so it was only natural that I agreed when she asked me to join her team full time. Last year the company underwent a restructuring and now she’s not my supervisor anymore. But I’ve gotten so used at having a regular job again that I’m still doing it. The job is fun anyway, so I figure why not stick it out for the second time around? It’s been fun so far and 4 years of working on my own clearly had toughened me up in dealing with people. I can listen to people more, or at least I’m getting better at pretending to listen. So yeah, I get by okay.

Is working on my own better than working for a company? I really can’t tell. I think I like them both just fine. What I liked about the years of working on my own beside the fact that I could sleep in on Monday morning is that I did not have to listen to people whom I did not think worthy of listening to. The downside is of course, more often than not, the payments were always late. I really hated having to chase people for my money but believe me, in this country, people really had to be phoned up multiple times before they finally paid, and by the time they paid, your phone bills would reach almost the same amount as your invoice.

It was a big mystery to me why they didn’t pay on the date they promised to pay. Every one of them came up with the same administrative screw-up stories, all the time. The reason was beyond me. The worst case was this particular client who didn’t pay for 6 months after the due date. It was quite a big order for me, the one that included large orders of printing materials. I had to pay the printer with my own money first and because the client was 6 months late it really damaged my savings. Not to mention that this client was not Jakarta based, I had to place several expensive calls just to collect my payment, which added insult to the injury. So by the time they finally paid, I lost probably 30% of my profit already (I suck at counting so I don’t know the exact number, but bottom line is I was not that profitable).

Now, a week ago I had coffee with a friend who owns a printing company. He told me that it was a hectic day for him, having to go collect payments from some of his clients. I asked him why did he have to do the collecting himself? Doesn’t he have staff to do that?

He told me that yes he has people to do that, but on special cases, where payments are stuck, he had to do some “personal approach”. I asked what kind of personal approach. He told me that he would ask the person in charge on how to make the whole process faster and then he would transfer some amount to that person’s personal account as a “thank you gift” for that person’s favor to help smoothing the payment process.

I had a hard time processing this information.
“So you mean you have to bribe that person to get your payment?”
“Yes, more or less.”

It suddenly dawned on me that maybe this is the reason my payments were ALWAYS late. I can’t believe how naïve I was, thinking I can be rewarded only by doing my best and working hard. In this corrupt country, we had to bribe people to get what is rightfully ours. Sad but true.

The thing is I wouldn’t know how to approach people like that. I am not smooth at all. I don’t drive, so I’ve never even bribed a policeman like my fellow countrymen and women. I simply don’t have the experience and given the fact that I am terrible at verbal communication, I just know that it’s a skill I will never master. And now I cringe to imagine what happens on a larger scale when even a small fry like me has to take part in this “smoothing” process just to get what is, by law, mine.

So maybe it’s true that not everyone is cut out for business because apparently to make it on your own in this country, talent alone is not enough. What a sad realization, knowing the reward system that you’ve been taught as a child is no longer applicable.

Last night I watched a debate on television about the controversy on the release of corruptors by the president and my heart sank. It’s like a gigantic cobweb of lies, impossible to untangle because well, everyone is involved. And my memory went to two weeks ago, on our independence day, where I watched poor, neglected veterans of our country came to stand proudly before the flag in their uniforms which somehow made it even sadder, and I thought of how much these people have been robbed on what are rightfully theirs and it’s just beyond me on how corrupt people can live with themselves when they fully know that they are taking from other people, especially people who are less fortunate. But I guess they can.

So this morning I woke up feeling grateful because I have lived an honest life, because even though some scumbags had nicked some money off me it was nothing compared to what had been robbed off the veterans, because I can still give even though I don’t own that much, and because I still have this job that I like that pays my salary every month without me having to bribe the finance people first. I do have a lot to be thankful for.

flirting with palmistry

I had my palm read by a masseuse at the shooting location. Background story for non local advertising people: ad agency people are usually treated like royalties during ad shoots here. The production house pampers us with magnanimous amount of food and little perks like massages to keep us from being too much nuisance on the shoot.



The palm reader only allowed us to ask one question and he would read the answer on our left palm. As predicted, the singles ask about love and the non singles ask about money. Whoever says each of us is unique must be shot in the head.

I asked the palm reader this: will I ever be rich?

I honestly don’t care about being rich (though I don’t mind being rich), I just thought it was a fun question to ask in front of everyone. Not that I take palm reading seriously anyway.

He pondered for a while, reading my palm I suppose, or thinking up some kind of interesting fiction in his head that will be entertaining for us all. I really can’t tell.

His answer was this: according to the lines on my palm, I was destined to be a huge success, and that includes financial aspect as well. I will gain the success by working for a company, not by building my own empire. But, in order to fulfill that destiny, I must use all my potentials and at the moment I haven’t used up all my potentials, I’m not yet the best I can be.

Of course after that my co-workers and I joked about maybe I have to plot a plan to take over the company that we work at.

But jokes aside, I started to give it a little more thought. Not the bit about me taking over the company, I can barely manage myself let alone a company, but about how I’m yet to be the best I can be.

Because, on some odd nights when my mind wanders and thinks about what I’ve done with my life sort of thing, as opposed to my usual normal daydreams about how to access my alter ego in the parallel universe (I am obsessed about things like this, it explains my fascination with anything mind altering), I do think whether is this really all there is to it.

I’m not stupid, that I know for sure. I know I’m quick on the uptake, but I doubt if I possess any discernible talents besides sneering and coming up with killer one-liners to shut up people whom I find to be annoying.

Writing I suppose is my one and only strong suit. It comes naturally to me. It’s been my outlet since as long as I can remember. If I have the faintest hope of becoming successful (or rich) I suppose it’s got something to do with writing. I have zero discipline in writing though, just as I have zero discipline in everything. I only write when the mood strikes me. I suppose my inability to give myself a push is the thing that stands between me and my success. Well that, and an almost complete disinterest of anything outside myself.

In my line of work I’ve met lots of wannabe novelists, those who dream about writing the equivalent of “the great American novel” someday when they can find the time. Now, time is never a problem for me. I am one of those freakishly efficient people who can easily multitask and compartmentalize my brain. My problem is that I have yet to come with “the great idea”. I don’t know what to write about.

When I studied creative writing in uni, the professor told us that to come up with something to write, we have to break the bubble, be somebody else, experience life through other people’s eyes. I think it was the best advice for anybody who wants to learn how to write. It has also been my excuse to live several kinds of life and to experience extreme emotions, it’s some kind of research for my unborn novel, because nobody wants to read about a contented person who is thankful for everything.

Will I ever find something interesting to write about and will my writing be my ticket to get out of this life as a downtrodden corporate slave? I honestly don’t know. The bad thing about being totally comfortable living in one’s own skin is that I can really live with my shortcomings such as my complete lack of motivation. I have no problem with that even it does sabotage my future success.

So even though I believe the palm reader didn’t really read palms and that he just made things up from thin air, I believe that at that precise moment the universe chose him as a medium to speak to me, hence gave him the inspiration to say that I haven’t used up all my potentials. He was totally right.

Well I hear you, universe. Here I am religiously writing one post after another. Maybe it’s the beginning of something great, maybe it’s not. One of the good things about being comfortable living in one's own skin is that I never view myself as a failure, even if I don't achieve anything :)

never too late to not be late

For us, lateness is a national disease. After all this is the country that invented the concept rubber time. I read somewhere the concept went way back to an era where most of people were still farmers, who viewed time as something fluid that flows like a river (huh???) rather than blocks of schedules and appointments to be filled. It’s the westerners who introduced the concept of “being on time” to us.

It’s so common here that 10 o’clock meetings start as late as 10.45. And the people responsible for that will stroll in leisurely, always blaming something other than themselves for being late. Now, I don’t want to be a prude here but I find that kind of irresponsibility really lame.

Blame it on my western education, blame it on my impatient genes (if impatience is gene-related like everything else these days) but I hate to be late. And hate it even more when people make me wait. And I never get used to the rubber time concept even though I spend the bulk of my life living here, in this country. I only lived abroad for three years out of the 36 years of my life so my “westernized” concept of time is not a product of my living abroad. I am just wired that way.

I do not understand people who are constantly late. Why? Because I always know when and why I am running late. It’s usually because I slack off. I wake up leisurely, I take my time sipping my coffee, I am enjoying my morning banter with hubby so much I don’t want to cut it off to get into the shower on time, etc. The point is: being late is a conscious decision. Unless an earthquake suddenly erupts as we are getting ready for work or for our appointments, the only thing to blame when we are running late is ourselves.

When I know I have a 9 o’clock appointment, it’s either I wake up an hour early or I cut those morning activities short to be able to leave the house at 8. Because I don’t want to be late. As simple as that. On the days I have no appointments or deadlines, I stop and smell the roses.

People blame it on the traffic. Now, how many years have we been living in Jakarta? Jakarta is always congested. Traffic is no news. It’s something that we have to anticipate. I have no car so I depend a lot on the undependable taxi service here. 80% of the time they never show. I know that. I have an option: I could take an ojek. Reliability: 100%. Comfort level: 0%. I will arrive sweaty and smelling like car mufflers. But I won’t be late.

So when I make that decision to wait for the freaking taxi instead of taking the ojek, I know I will be late. When I make that decision to wait for the freaking taxi, I am basically saying screw my schedules, screw the people who have to wait for me, because I don’t want to sacrifice my comfort in order to arrive on time. Because if I want to, I can actually arrive on time.

So moral of the story is: EVERYONE should be able to be on time. Yes, even those who are living in Jakarta. I can tolerate people who are late only if they have major drama in life: abusive husbands threaten to kill them, depressive wives hanging themselves or jump out the building, a dozen of hyperactive kids coming down with chicken pox at the same time, crazy ass mother in law chase them with an axe the night before… you get the picture. But the mortals, common people with common lives and common problems, should be able to be on time, like 90% of the time at least.

Now, there were times when I spent the night drinking and drugging myself into a stupor and there was no way I could make it to the 9 o’clock meeting. What did I do then? I quit my job to be a full time fuck up. That way, I won’t get in anybody’s way. That’s responsibility I believe. Now that I managed to get my act together, I got back on the game. And I arrive on time. And on occasions when I am late, I won’t blame anyone but myself.