For a lot of people, tattoos represent meaningful things in their lives. Now, for me, of course nothing is that meaningful. I am a very detached person, and that applies on my relationship with tattoos as well, even though they are permanently inked on my body for the rest of my life, or until the day I decide to erase them.
I restrained from getting a tattoo when I was younger because I didn’t want to regret it. I waited until I was mature enough to know that my desire in getting a tattoo wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing because I was desperate to be seen as this wild chick. Also, I wanted to make sure that I had already had enough money to laser it off should I regret having it.
I had tattoos not because of the aesthetics but for the pain. The design means nothing to me. It could be anything. In fact I once went to a tattoo parlor and just told the artist to ink me with whatever design he fancied.
Because by nature I have a dramatic disposition, I experience pain more often than what I would like in my life. What bugs me about pain is that it tends to come at random, usually at the time when I was enjoying myself. And I didn’t like being caught unprepared. But I guess pain is designed that way.
So tattoos, as well as piercings (I only have one piercing in my belly button, because my mom is scared of piercings and I don’t want to scare her plus it takes only about a minute to pierce, the hype is more on the moment leading up to it rather than the process, so it’s more about tension rather than pain), provide me an outlet to choose my own pain.
I get to choose when I want to feel the pain and where and for how long. I am taking control of my own pain. It gives me a sense of power, the ability to control my pain. I feel that I am the master of my own body and my own life. I decide.
Now, after relaying my motive on getting a tattoo to my friend I realized that it was indeed a bit weird. I mean do other people have the need to choose their own pain? I don’t know what it means from the psychoanalyst perspective, but I have a strong suspicion that maybe deep down I am a control freak even though I like to think otherwise.
And it got me thinking… there are a lot of things I still don’t know about myself. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ve known that I’m a control freak all along but I just don’t want to admit it because it doesn’t go with the “anything goes” image that I am projecting. I like to think of myself as this free spirit who goes whichever way the wind blows without a care in the world, but maybe I am fooling myself. Maybe the very reason I choose not to be attached to anything is because I don’t want to lose control of myself. Am I making any sense?
So, while tattoos for others might symbolize rebellion, for me they actually symbolize my imprisonment within myself as they serve the purpose of my taking control of my own pain.
Whoa, kinda heavy huh?
Here's a pic of yummy looking tattoo artists to lighten this one up. I'd kill for a tattoo by one of them. Any one of them.
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