family matters

Last Sunday I hung out with hubby's family. And his mom told us that the school where she teaches is organizing a trip to Bali. We thought she was going to be excited about it because she likes Bali a lot, but she told us that she won't be joining the trip. We asked her why and she told us that she feels weird about going on holiday on her own, with her own friends. Holidays are supposed to be with her family. By family she meant her children and grandchildren.

Hubby's mom is over 50 years old, so naturally she and I have different sets of values. Also, hubby's mom is very much a family-minded person, who puts herself only in context of her family.

Although I don't like to generalize, I guess it is safe to assume that most Indonesian older women, by older I mean one generation older than me, are like her. Their concept of happiness is not personal happiness but rather a collective one. Once they have children, everything has to be about the children. No more I, it's us.

For hubby’s mom, she can’t see herself as an individual being. She had blended into a family. Therefore the notion of having fun on her own, enjoying herself in the company of her own friends while leaving her family at home is not acceptable.

A concept that is entirely alien to me.

Now, I wasn’t brought up with traditional Indonesian family’s values. I am a product of mixed ethnics and interfaith relationship. My parents are truly individuals who never act like parents. They regarded my sister and I as individuals too, albeit individuals whose lives they financed until university.

When I was still living with my parents and sister, we were more like housemates rather than a family. There were no scheduled meal times, no family gatherings to attend, no obligatory visits to relatives, no religious celebration, nothing. Therefore I have no strong sense of family. For me, they are just people I happen to love. And it’s cool to have parents like them. They never questioned my decision in everything: the man I chose to marry, the career I chose, the life I chose to live.

From early on, I learned that they are just human like me, with their own portfolios of stupid decisions too. And it is comforting to know that, because it means that I’ve got friends in them instead of parents whom I have to perform duties to.

Like everything else in life, it has its own good and bad. The good thing is that I grew up to be a person who is very open to differences. I don’t really judge people. My judgment is usually based on whether they piss me off or not. Other than that, I have no opinion about anyone. Also, I am very quick in making decisions. I never over analyze and I never regret anything. I can easily shrug off a bad decision as one of my mistakes and don’t wallow over losses or setbacks.

The bad thing is, as my closest friends and hubby pointed out time and time again, I grew up to be a very self-centered person. When deciding something about my life, I tend to forget to take into account the opinions of those who care about me. Everything is about me, how I feel and how I would go about it. It sure is quicker that way, but only works if I am a hermit living in cave somewhere in the deep Borneo forest.

Now, marrying hubby who came from a close-knitted family who still live by their traditional values is a new experience to me. I learn a thing or two about being a family - about how to treat a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a nephew – in the traditional sense.

At my age I get to experience what my childhood friends experienced, although I have it better because I can now experience it as a spectator and only participate in things that suit me.

I have my parents to thank for my individuality and I have my hubby’s parents to thank for this whole new experience of being a family member.

I always have everything in the end.

That’s what I love about my life.