Some of my friends are in what a friend of mine calls relationshits. The degree of shits vary, from the indecisive boyfriend, grumpy husband to a downright abusive partner. I won’t talk about their relationshits though, if you’re that curious about what kind of shit they are in you should look it up in their respective blogs.
No, I want to share my thoughts on commitment. Because I found that although nearly all my friends are in relationships, a lot of them are clueless about what it takes to have a commitment.
Those who know me well would do a double take here. Commitment? Moi?
I know, I know. I bail from things. I leave projects unfinished. I take off when things get hard because I don’t have the patience to see things through.
In fact I treated my past partners so bad, a friend of mine used to say that other girls may break men’s heart, but not me, I leave them traumatized.
Yeah I was a difficult child, impossible even. I never listened, I never cared, everything had to be done on my terms. In short, I did not know how to behave in a relationship. So naturally they bailed, one by one. Some nicely, some just disappeared, some I needed to hunt down to give me explanation. But all explanations were useless because I never thought I was in the wrong. I was so sure that I did everything I could for them, and they in return did not do their parts and I demanded them to change their ways otherwise I would make their lives a living hell.
No wonder all my past relationships were beyond doomed. Nobody could stand me. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of my exes ended up in a mental institution, considering the kind of scary stuff I used to subject them to. Consider this piece my apology, but don’t charge me the medical bills.
Now what changed me?
Nothing dramatic. I just got bored. I got bored of having to fight every single time to get my way. I got bored having to drill my principles into the brain of some eggheads. So I retreated from the dating game and relooked at my strategy. Maybe I should stop trying to shape a person to meet my needs. Maybe I should for once accept the person for what he is. If I don’t like what he is I should just leave rather than trying to change him. If the right person never comes, then maybe I will have to learn to have fun living on my own.
But, like a fairy tale, I met hubby. I had no expectations whatsoever when I met him. I hung out with him and found that we could have hours of conversations or even debates without me wanting to crush him. And I found, surprisingly, that I could actually put up with his antiques, just like he could put up with mine. We laughed at our misfortunes and believe me there were a lot of them. We are not exactly the brightest people on earth so we made loads of stupid mistakes but we always, always managed to laugh them all off.
Together, we acquired a new skill: a skill to let go.
That is, I guess, the key to a committed relationship. What to keep and what to let go differs for every couple, depending on their objectives in life. But I think we have to know how to let go of the things that don’t truly matter to us and don’t lose sight of what is important, which is us.
Of course, it can only be done with the right man. How did I know that hubby was the right man? Because he shares my sense of humor. That’s it.
So when he asked me whether I wanted to be his wife, I automatically answered fuck yeah I do, with a big grin on my face.
Oh, and for those who don’t know me, I got married to hubby when I was 34 so I had had my share of relationshits before I could identify him as the right man so I know what I’m talking about.
We’re on our 2nd year of marriage now, still pretty much a newbie, but I have to tell you this: we still laugh and talk as much as when we first met 4 years ago, effortlessly.
And I love being a couple, because for me it’s so much fun than being with myself.
Love this one.
ReplyDeleteEyes opener that manages to squeeze tears out.
was smiling from ear to ear reading it :)
ReplyDeleteglad you both like it :) thanks love!
ReplyDelete